Well, I'm done breastfeeding. Actually, weening off what little supply I have. I'm extremely sad but at peace with our decision and trying not to look back, but I do have moments of regret/sadness. After pumping every 2 hours, taking 3 capsules of fenugreek 3 times a day, eating enough, drinking enough, avoiding certain foods, eating certain foods, getting enough rest, etc. from Friday to Monday night...my supply did not increase. I know babies can get more than a pump can, but I was producing about half of what she was eating by bottle (and, yes, I have a Medela Advance Pump in Style and, yes, I was using the correct shield size etc...I had lactation consultants make sure I was doing everything right while in the NICU pumping for 2 weeks before she could feed.) I was making about an ounce every 2 hours while Adele was eating 3.5-4.5 ounces by bottle every 3-4 hours. And boy did she love having a bottle and a full belly! She was a much more settled baby (minus the spit up because we were slightly overfeeding her, but she was slightly overhungry). She went from 6lbs 13.5 oz Friday night to 7 lbs 3.5 oz Sunday afternoon to 7lbs 9.5 oz Wednesday night! She'll be almost a pound heavier in one week probably...crazy! This brings me peace.
I spoke with a LaLeche League consultant (who is also my friend), a teacher of Babywise, the Nurse Practitioner that was there when Adele was born (and also my friend), and a lactation consultant at Methodist. All said it sounded like I needed to go to bottle due to the stress it was causing me. Also, I have good reason for my supply to be low:
- I didn't have those first moments with her after birth
- I didn't even have those first weeks really for us to learn each other, feed on demand, and really get my milk supply to find a norm...it got the pump, which is not the same.
- I had placenta retained after birth and 3 weeks later I was passing it by clots and blood, so I had to have a DandC going under general anesthesia. 2 things here: 1) carrying that placenta means that I didn't fully pass all of it, so I probably didn't release the hormone ( ) needed to establish a good milk supply 2) going under anesthesia I was unable to nurse her for 12 hours and just had to pump and dump.
- nipple shields supposedly decrease your supply because it's not true contact and it's easier for the baby to not latch well and slip off...didn't know this until after the fact.
- STRESS. Naturally, we have been under a lot of stress, which has thrown my appetite, which also effects milk supply along with the stress.
I don't say all this to make myself sound better or feel better, but only being honest to give hope and a peace to those moms out there that are secretly pressuring themselves in whatever it may be. Be honest with yourself, with others, and don't get caught up in what others think/want you to do or your expectations. Pray that God gives you wisdom to do the next step next. I'm really talking to myself here...I have to keep coaching myself the truth.
I'm working on her 2 month post, but I thought this issue of boobs and breastfeeding deserved it's own. I highly appreciate the time God gave me to breastfeed Adele. I'm trying not to blame myself, wish I could have done something more, or make myself feel guilty, because this time has been a gift and I really tried my hardest! I know I will miss it and can sit here and cry about it, but Luke and I have prayed about this transition and we feel it is best for my well being (physically and mentally) to move on from breastfeeding to the bottle. I could possibly get my supply up, but I've struggled with it since day one and have really missed out some in enjoying Adele because I have been so stressed and anxious about it. I had high hopes...wanting to breastfeed within the first hour and didn't. I even had a lactation consultant look at my boobs before I even began to breastfeed to see if I might have any issues...so they gave me a nipple shield. And Honestly, it was a grueling/anxious hour of breastfeeding trying to get her to latch right (using a nipple shield), keeping her awake, wondering if she was getting enough, compressing my breast, and actually hurting physically. More within the past 2 weeks it has been harder. Before then I just wondered and thought she could probably eat more, which we know she could when we gave her a supplemental bottle.
I wanted to do my best to provide for Adele and tried hard and actually have been a bit obsessive about it and pressuring myself...making myself feel guilty and down for not meeting my expectation...
Well, if there is one thing I've learned since Adele was born it is that my expectations aren't always God's plan. Why would I assume that? God is bigger than boobies and formula. He holds us all in His hands. He is sovereign. He knew all of our days before they began.
God is bigger than boobies.
For those moms needing further encouragement here are some verses my sweet friend Jill relied upon and passed on to me. Thanks Jill!!
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs. Psalm 84:5-6
He tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strenght to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29
You will keep in perfect peace him who mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Romans 5:35
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Holy one of Israel, your savior. Isaiah 43:1-3
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which trascends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
yes, give yourself tons of grace! it sounds like you tried everything and tried so hard. i am so sorry it didn't turn out how you wanted. i know this post will be so encouraging to other moms too. sorry if my comments this morning were offensive. i noticed some of the stuff in here sounded like it was addresses that. so sorry. i think its awesome that you were able to breastfeed her for this amount of time with how early she was. you are so right that God is bigger than all this. you are a great mommy!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!! Listen, I know EXACTLY what you are feeling right now. The guilt fuels the anxiety and the anxiety pushes you into feeling isolated. When LG was 4 weeks old I didn't sleep at all for 7 days straight. The anxiety was so overwhelming. I called on so many people to find comfort, was on my knees more than I had ever been in my life, and felt like I would NEVER make it through successfully. Please call me anytime. I read babywise too and tried to follow it to a T and would get discouraged when things weren't working out and would call friends who would say, "every baby's different." I would love to talk to you about how I handled it and what worked for me if you feel like that may help. Call me ANYTIME!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing, Lindsey! I think the more moms talk about this sort of thing, the more we'll learn not to beat ourselves up when things don't go perfectly. I had a lot of guilt about cutting off breastfeeding because I did it to take medication for my acne caused by the hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding. My milk supply was fine, Jon was eating and growing fine, but I would cry and cry from the comments people made about my skin and grew weary of people staring at my skin. I still cringe when I read about how moms are supposed to breastfeed for a year (or more!) and I sometimes feel sad when I see moms breastfeeding older babies, but Jon is fine and I am fine, and we did what we could.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like little Adele is growing well and hopefully bottle feeding will lower your stress a bit. I am so in awe of how you have handled Adele's early delivery and her weeks in the NICU. You are a wonderful mom, and Adele is a very blessed girl : )
Ya know what Lindz. I put so much pressure on myself to nurse Liam for a year that when I look back on my placenta issues and bleeding I realize that I put way to much stress on myself. I was to scared to even supplement some of my milk with formula. Why would I have such an idea? Would you believe that child never had an ounce of formula ever and I battled with his sleep for a straight year. He never slept for a year and the NIGHT i stopped nursing him before bed the FIRST night....he slept all night! He was either allergic to something in my milk or I wasn't filling him up enough! All that for some silly pressure to breast feed. Needless to say I will be trying thins different next time. You are doing what is best for you and Luke and Adele most importantly! You will feel so much better!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Lindsey but I know this will take so much stress off of you. I do want to add that I had to use a nipple shield for about 5 months and it didn't decrease my supply, but I know some people have had issues. I just didn't want people to be scared of using a nipple shield because it was a life saver for us. I'm so glad your sweet girl is doing so well!!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is beautiful. Adele has a wonderful mommy and daddy and she's going to be blessed by your love for many years.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of anyone trying so hard! Love you Lindsey :)
ReplyDeleteGeez, this is bringing back memories. I developed hyperthyroidism after both babies and had to stop nursing earlier than planned with Mimi because of some required tests and low supply. I was SO depressed that week and felt really selfish and lazy for not being able to stick it out as long as planned. BUT the day I stopped I suddenly felt a huge weight off my shoulders because Mimi began eating and sleeping better. She was happier and healthier -- as was I. That's really what's most important, isn't it? And don't assume the same will affect you if you have another one. I'm really afraid Mack might want to nurse until he starts school . . .
ReplyDeleteGod is bigger than boobies... how true! Thanks for sharing. You've had a rough road and I'm so glad that you and Luke are listening to God in all this. He knows what is best for you, Luke, and Adelle. Thanks for sharing the encouraging verses!
ReplyDeletemy friend Jeri Anne sent me here, i too posted today on my blog my journey with BF and my decision to quit. although it isn't the same as your situation, i feel that i know what you are going through. i cried all night making the decision, and with cabbage in my bra today i keep having moments thinking 'should i just go pump real quick and keep it up?'
ReplyDeletehang in there girly. i have been told a happy mommy = a happy baby. you did the best you could do and you are amazing for that!
i LOVE the saying God is bigger than boobies. i needed that. :)
take care!