Boobies

No pictures for this post...sorry!

Well, I'm done breastfeeding.  Actually, weening off what little supply I have.  I'm extremely sad but at peace with our decision and trying not to look back, but I do have moments of regret/sadness.  After pumping every 2 hours, taking 3 capsules of fenugreek 3 times a day, eating enough, drinking enough, avoiding certain foods, eating certain foods, getting enough rest, etc. from Friday to Monday night...my supply did not increase.  I know babies can get more than a pump can, but I was producing about half of what she was eating by bottle (and, yes, I have a Medela Advance Pump in Style and, yes, I was using the correct shield size etc...I had lactation consultants make sure I was doing everything right while in the NICU pumping for 2 weeks before she could feed.)  I was making about an ounce every 2 hours while Adele was eating 3.5-4.5 ounces by bottle every 3-4  hours.  And boy did she love having a bottle and a full belly!  She was a much more settled baby (minus the spit up because we were slightly overfeeding her, but she was slightly overhungry).  She went from 6lbs 13.5 oz Friday night to 7 lbs 3.5 oz  Sunday afternoon to 7lbs 9.5 oz Wednesday night!  She'll be almost a pound heavier in one week probably...crazy!  This brings me peace.

I spoke with a LaLeche League consultant (who is also my friend), a teacher of Babywise, the Nurse Practitioner that was there when Adele was born (and also my friend), and a lactation consultant at Methodist.  All said it sounded like I needed to go to bottle due to the stress it was causing me.  Also, I have good reason for my supply to be low:

- I didn't have those first moments with her after birth

- I didn't even have those first weeks really for us to learn each other, feed on demand, and really get my milk supply to find a norm...it got the pump, which is not the same.

- I had placenta retained after birth and 3 weeks later I was passing it by clots and blood, so I had to have a DandC going under general anesthesia.  2 things here: 1) carrying that placenta means that I didn't fully pass all of it, so I probably didn't release the hormone ( ) needed to establish a good milk supply 2) going under anesthesia I was unable to nurse her for 12 hours and just had to pump and dump.

- nipple shields supposedly decrease your supply because it's not true contact and it's easier for the baby to not latch well and slip off...didn't know this until after the fact.

- STRESS.  Naturally, we have been under a lot of stress, which has thrown my appetite, which also effects milk supply along with the stress.

I don't say all this to make myself sound better or feel better, but only being honest to give hope and a peace to those moms out there that are secretly pressuring themselves in whatever it may be.  Be honest with yourself, with others, and don't get caught up in what others think/want you to do or your expectations.  Pray that God gives you wisdom to do the next step  next.  I'm really talking to myself here...I have to keep coaching myself the truth.

I'm working on her 2 month post, but I thought this issue of boobs and breastfeeding deserved it's own.  I highly appreciate the time God gave me to breastfeed Adele.  I'm trying not to blame myself, wish I could have done something more, or make myself feel guilty, because this time has been a gift and I really tried my hardest!  I know I will miss it and can sit here and cry about it, but Luke and I have prayed about this transition and we feel it is best for my well being (physically and mentally) to move on from breastfeeding to the bottle.  I could possibly get my supply up, but I've struggled with it since day one and have really missed out some in enjoying Adele because I have been so stressed and anxious about it. I had high hopes...wanting to breastfeed within the first hour and didn't.  I even had a lactation consultant look at my boobs before I even began to breastfeed to see if I might have any issues...so they gave me a nipple shield.  And Honestly, it was a grueling/anxious hour of breastfeeding trying to get her to latch right (using a nipple shield), keeping her awake, wondering if she was getting enough, compressing my breast, and actually hurting physically.  More within the past 2 weeks it has been harder.  Before then I just wondered and thought she could probably eat more, which we know she could when we gave her a supplemental bottle.

I wanted to do my best to provide for Adele and tried hard and actually have been a bit obsessive about it and pressuring myself...making myself feel guilty and down for not meeting my expectation...
Well, if there is one thing I've learned since Adele was born it is that my expectations aren't always God's plan.  Why would I assume that?  God is bigger than boobies and formula.  He holds us all in His hands.  He is sovereign.  He knew all of our days before they began.

God is bigger than boobies.


For those moms needing further encouragement here are some verses my sweet friend Jill relied upon and passed on to me.  Thanks Jill!!

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs. Psalm 84:5-6

He tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strenght to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29

You will keep in perfect peace him who mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Romans 5:35

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Holy one of Israel, your savior. Isaiah 43:1-3

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which trascends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

SAHM

I'm loving being a SAHM!  Stay at Home Mom for those that aren't on the "in". ;)

Despite the craziness here I feel like things are settling down and I've really enjoyed my time at home with Adele.  Not going to lie though...things haven't been easy.  Things didn't start as planned and I didn't get to do many things that I wanted (being type A) - bet newborn photos, breastfeed her within the first hour, bring my baby home for the hospital...  I was worried that I would do well with staying home since I like to be surrounded with people, be social, and keep busy, etc.  I thought I might struggle with depression.  However, little did I know how much company Adele would be and how busy she would keep me!  She is not as sleepy as most newborns, which is fine because I love socializing with her!  However, it leaves little time to do chores.  I do squeeze them in daily.  I try to do something productive and always change out of my robe or pjs.  Most days I get a shower and put on make up!  It just makes me feel more normal.  I would feel awful about myself if I stayed frumpy.  Not saying that anyone else that does this is in the wrong!!  Here I am in full robe glory so I don't put off a false image...No, I'm not nursing here...just looks like it.

I love being home to see Adele grow, develop and for me to nurture her.  It's so fulfilling.  She is so responsive to individual attention.  She is at her best in the mornings and LOVES to be sung and spoken to - she get's the "O" face and wrinkled forehead when she listens.  I'm pretty impressed with my preemie :)  I'm still learning her and what she likes.  She is a huge paci baby...oops.  Even if I didn't give her her paci she would pop that thumb (or fist) in that mouth.  We like to go on walks, but she will not sleep well in her car seat right now. She is different every week on where/when she likes to sleep - I'm hoping to develop a schedule down the road, but have decided to ditch all the written rules for now and see how things go.  Babywise is something I read and chose to follow, but not strictly.  We'll get there...

She has her thumb inside her paci...

I MUST take the time to say that Luke has been freaking amazing and I wouldn't be able to be a SAHM without him!!!!  Truly a blessing to have such a supportive husband.  As I'm writing this he is working on a music video of highlights of our life since Adele to an Adele song - so sentimental :)  I love him for this because I tend to lack in that department.  I'm more task oriented while he is more of a relationship type of person.  Not saying that I don't crave relationship though...he's definitely enabled me to grow in compassion and emotion.  He's really helped me open my heart.  I'm so glad because he's such a HUGE part of my heart now!  I really couldn't imagine life without him (and this is not written out of solely hormone emotion - I think those have totally settled down!).  He has also enabled me in many other ways to become a better person (excuse me for a lack of better words and going with a cliche, but oh well).  I have seen how we balance each other out and work as a team even more so with Adele (Pippet was our first training ;).  He is the laid back one and makes calm, patient decisions.  He is so gentle with Adele.  I on the other hand (not that I'm not gentle) tend to be a hurried individual with a sense of urgency to get tasks done, which is good at times because there is SO much to do to take care of a baby and you must get them done or your house goes kaput, but I do need to slow down at times...Luke has helped me do that!  He's been so helpful during bath time (one of us has to support her head and hold the paci in - that's me).

On another note, but not of lesser value - I have been struggling majorly with anxiety and whether or not I'm doing things right or starting out on the right foot and establishing good foundations.  I am always second guessing myself and don't feel the "mother's intuition" most of the time. I've struggled SO much this week actually. Again, the first 2 months were so crazy with the NICU, my hospitalization with a DandC, then clotting again, and then Luke in the ER for a migraine after being sick twice before that (head cold and stomach virus). It has surely been trying, but I think those things distracted me from how hard a newborn was. Plus, we had tons of help and support through the craziness. But now that I'm by myself all day all the time with a baby that has all of a sudden developed fussiness over the past week...I feel like I don't know what to do! I'm emotionally distraught and don't know her cues. Is she hungry? Is she gassy? Am I creating bad habits in her by rocking her or by giving her the paci too much? Letting her lay on her stomach? Why is she not resting easy? Is it positioning or gas or is she wanting to be awake?  Did I keep her awake too long or too little?  

I think I've read WAY too much and listened to too much advice that I'm so confused.  A roller coaster of emotions as you can see.  A love/hate relationship with SAHM.  Well, not hate, but you know what I mean.

I've REALLY struggled with my milk supply between having to pump at first, trying to catch up, then not being able to nurse after the DandC b/c of anesthesia...that was hard to catch up with too, but then just the stress of everything piling up hasn't helped either. I don't think I've ever caught up. I started using a nipple shield immediately because the lactation consultant at the hospital said to, but sometimes try to see if she'll eat without it. She will, but I'm not sure it's as efficient. But what's efficient about an hour or longer breastfeed and having to burp multiple times or she spits up or screams because of gas (I think)?  It's so hard though because I'm afraid the shield effects her latch and maybe my production due to not being tongue to skin contact? We do a bottle of formula at night because by the end of the day I'm dry. While she is eating 4 oz. by bottle, I'm barely pumping 2oz. 


As a result, I'm trying a last ditch effort.  This weekend I am going to try to pump every 2 hours for 72 hours while Luke feeds her a bottle. It's my last attempt. I've tried pumping after feeding an hour (or more) to taking herbs, focusing on latch, and rest....talked to lactation consultants.  I really have tried and I cannot be so hard on myself.  Just another thing to blame myself for that the devil is trying to use against me.  I know our lives are totally in God's sovereign control and He knew this was going to happen along with Adele coming early and all of the trials that have happened.  It should only build our faith in a God that is bigger than our understanding.


PRAYER REQUESTS:
- the obvious, milk supply...yeah, I know, strange prayer requests and it's gonna feel weird praying for my milk


- that Luke and I could find more time for just the two of us.  That we can put all "to-dos" and thoughts aside and focus on each other at least once every week


- that we can keep all of the hospital bills organized and possibly lower them by negotiating so we are good stewards of God's money.


- that we can work towards establishing a consistent bed time routine for Adele including worship.  I'm really want to get her more scheduled so I can be able to have more predictability.  That means she needs to eat, be awake for a bit, and sleep well. Im trying to set 6:30 as her morning wake time, feed her every 3-3.5 hrs, bathe her before the 6:30/7 feed and quickly feed her at 10 hoping she'll only wake once between 2-3 and not wake again until 6:30. 


- on that note...you can also pray for my patience as I watch sweet Adele develop and work into a schedule. I'm anxious for her to grow and develop by the books but I know i need to be flexible since she's a preemie. Hard to think she should only be 2 weeks old when she's 8 weeks! 


- for God to put a peace in my heart and wisdom to do what's best for Adele even if that means supplementing formula more, fortifying my breastmilk (which would be even more time consuming), or drop breastfeeding altogether which I don't want, but might have to do for my sanity and her physical well-being.

We go to her 2 month check up on Monday and part of me just wants the doctor to say she's not gaining weight enough and that we need to go to strictly formula so that I don't feel guilt. But part of me wants to try so hard to keep up breastfeeding and hoping the milk supply will increase and the anxiety go away...we shall see.  Pumping away...