SAHM

I'm loving being a SAHM!  Stay at Home Mom for those that aren't on the "in". ;)

Despite the craziness here I feel like things are settling down and I've really enjoyed my time at home with Adele.  Not going to lie though...things haven't been easy.  Things didn't start as planned and I didn't get to do many things that I wanted (being type A) - bet newborn photos, breastfeed her within the first hour, bring my baby home for the hospital...  I was worried that I would do well with staying home since I like to be surrounded with people, be social, and keep busy, etc.  I thought I might struggle with depression.  However, little did I know how much company Adele would be and how busy she would keep me!  She is not as sleepy as most newborns, which is fine because I love socializing with her!  However, it leaves little time to do chores.  I do squeeze them in daily.  I try to do something productive and always change out of my robe or pjs.  Most days I get a shower and put on make up!  It just makes me feel more normal.  I would feel awful about myself if I stayed frumpy.  Not saying that anyone else that does this is in the wrong!!  Here I am in full robe glory so I don't put off a false image...No, I'm not nursing here...just looks like it.

I love being home to see Adele grow, develop and for me to nurture her.  It's so fulfilling.  She is so responsive to individual attention.  She is at her best in the mornings and LOVES to be sung and spoken to - she get's the "O" face and wrinkled forehead when she listens.  I'm pretty impressed with my preemie :)  I'm still learning her and what she likes.  She is a huge paci baby...oops.  Even if I didn't give her her paci she would pop that thumb (or fist) in that mouth.  We like to go on walks, but she will not sleep well in her car seat right now. She is different every week on where/when she likes to sleep - I'm hoping to develop a schedule down the road, but have decided to ditch all the written rules for now and see how things go.  Babywise is something I read and chose to follow, but not strictly.  We'll get there...

She has her thumb inside her paci...

I MUST take the time to say that Luke has been freaking amazing and I wouldn't be able to be a SAHM without him!!!!  Truly a blessing to have such a supportive husband.  As I'm writing this he is working on a music video of highlights of our life since Adele to an Adele song - so sentimental :)  I love him for this because I tend to lack in that department.  I'm more task oriented while he is more of a relationship type of person.  Not saying that I don't crave relationship though...he's definitely enabled me to grow in compassion and emotion.  He's really helped me open my heart.  I'm so glad because he's such a HUGE part of my heart now!  I really couldn't imagine life without him (and this is not written out of solely hormone emotion - I think those have totally settled down!).  He has also enabled me in many other ways to become a better person (excuse me for a lack of better words and going with a cliche, but oh well).  I have seen how we balance each other out and work as a team even more so with Adele (Pippet was our first training ;).  He is the laid back one and makes calm, patient decisions.  He is so gentle with Adele.  I on the other hand (not that I'm not gentle) tend to be a hurried individual with a sense of urgency to get tasks done, which is good at times because there is SO much to do to take care of a baby and you must get them done or your house goes kaput, but I do need to slow down at times...Luke has helped me do that!  He's been so helpful during bath time (one of us has to support her head and hold the paci in - that's me).

On another note, but not of lesser value - I have been struggling majorly with anxiety and whether or not I'm doing things right or starting out on the right foot and establishing good foundations.  I am always second guessing myself and don't feel the "mother's intuition" most of the time. I've struggled SO much this week actually. Again, the first 2 months were so crazy with the NICU, my hospitalization with a DandC, then clotting again, and then Luke in the ER for a migraine after being sick twice before that (head cold and stomach virus). It has surely been trying, but I think those things distracted me from how hard a newborn was. Plus, we had tons of help and support through the craziness. But now that I'm by myself all day all the time with a baby that has all of a sudden developed fussiness over the past week...I feel like I don't know what to do! I'm emotionally distraught and don't know her cues. Is she hungry? Is she gassy? Am I creating bad habits in her by rocking her or by giving her the paci too much? Letting her lay on her stomach? Why is she not resting easy? Is it positioning or gas or is she wanting to be awake?  Did I keep her awake too long or too little?  

I think I've read WAY too much and listened to too much advice that I'm so confused.  A roller coaster of emotions as you can see.  A love/hate relationship with SAHM.  Well, not hate, but you know what I mean.

I've REALLY struggled with my milk supply between having to pump at first, trying to catch up, then not being able to nurse after the DandC b/c of anesthesia...that was hard to catch up with too, but then just the stress of everything piling up hasn't helped either. I don't think I've ever caught up. I started using a nipple shield immediately because the lactation consultant at the hospital said to, but sometimes try to see if she'll eat without it. She will, but I'm not sure it's as efficient. But what's efficient about an hour or longer breastfeed and having to burp multiple times or she spits up or screams because of gas (I think)?  It's so hard though because I'm afraid the shield effects her latch and maybe my production due to not being tongue to skin contact? We do a bottle of formula at night because by the end of the day I'm dry. While she is eating 4 oz. by bottle, I'm barely pumping 2oz. 


As a result, I'm trying a last ditch effort.  This weekend I am going to try to pump every 2 hours for 72 hours while Luke feeds her a bottle. It's my last attempt. I've tried pumping after feeding an hour (or more) to taking herbs, focusing on latch, and rest....talked to lactation consultants.  I really have tried and I cannot be so hard on myself.  Just another thing to blame myself for that the devil is trying to use against me.  I know our lives are totally in God's sovereign control and He knew this was going to happen along with Adele coming early and all of the trials that have happened.  It should only build our faith in a God that is bigger than our understanding.


PRAYER REQUESTS:
- the obvious, milk supply...yeah, I know, strange prayer requests and it's gonna feel weird praying for my milk


- that Luke and I could find more time for just the two of us.  That we can put all "to-dos" and thoughts aside and focus on each other at least once every week


- that we can keep all of the hospital bills organized and possibly lower them by negotiating so we are good stewards of God's money.


- that we can work towards establishing a consistent bed time routine for Adele including worship.  I'm really want to get her more scheduled so I can be able to have more predictability.  That means she needs to eat, be awake for a bit, and sleep well. Im trying to set 6:30 as her morning wake time, feed her every 3-3.5 hrs, bathe her before the 6:30/7 feed and quickly feed her at 10 hoping she'll only wake once between 2-3 and not wake again until 6:30. 


- on that note...you can also pray for my patience as I watch sweet Adele develop and work into a schedule. I'm anxious for her to grow and develop by the books but I know i need to be flexible since she's a preemie. Hard to think she should only be 2 weeks old when she's 8 weeks! 


- for God to put a peace in my heart and wisdom to do what's best for Adele even if that means supplementing formula more, fortifying my breastmilk (which would be even more time consuming), or drop breastfeeding altogether which I don't want, but might have to do for my sanity and her physical well-being.

We go to her 2 month check up on Monday and part of me just wants the doctor to say she's not gaining weight enough and that we need to go to strictly formula so that I don't feel guilt. But part of me wants to try so hard to keep up breastfeeding and hoping the milk supply will increase and the anxiety go away...we shall see.  Pumping away...